Cavalary's Little Corner of the Web

Yes, I’ll just be complaining some more. It’s not like I can do or think of much else… The loneliness and feeling of doom are only getting stronger every day and I feel as if I’m already dead and just don’t know it yet. Not exactly any new reasons for that, only perhaps some additional reasons to focus on a couple of them even more. So I’m just throwing a post on here and wondering what I’ll do about the second one this week, seeing as I already said I can’t think of or do much else…
Well, Ami posted some brief reviews for some of the webcomics people recommended to her after she asked for such recommendations and, as I wasn’t doing much else anyway, I went through Flipside from start to end. And now I’m trying to work my way through Drowtales, though this isn’t working too well so far. But I did actually get a couple of ideas from Flipside and Drowtales could perhaps provide even more, assuming I’ll manage to wrap my mind around it properly. But the few times I tried to follow such things before I usually got bored and gave up, so I guess it depends on exactly how much I’m trying to find something to do that’s not any of the other things I try to keep myself together with… Not that I have any idea how or why I’m even keeping myself together as much as I currently am.
As a matter of fact, I did manage to write a little more today, after much struggle, but that won’t be getting anywhere. Not that anything I do ever will… In fact, it’s really frustrating how I’m creating these schedules for myself, serving only to force me to do things I know I can’t do right, so only adding to the frustration and hopelessness and despair. Or, perhaps more often, serving to just keep me going from one point to another of the routine instead of just crashing and curling up in a ball in a corner, with my arms wrapped around myself and rocking back and forth, going completely insane as I feel I ought to, because this isn’t manageable in any way anymore…
But I can’t even seem to get myself to do that. And one of the really frustrating reasons for it appears to be the simple fact that there’s no carpet on the floor in my room. Even though a carpet would be harder to clean and therefore likely to actually be dirtier, there’s just something that prevents me from just slumping on the floor and losing it completely like that because I think it’d be dirty. Which I guess means I didn’t lose it quite so completely yet, seeing as I’m thinking of such things. Or perhaps it means I lost it even more than I thought, if such things are on my mind…
Who the fuck knows anymore? It’s not like anyone cares… It’s not like anyone could care, apparently, as the issue obviousy is that there’s not a single person in the world that I could get along with and who would be interested in me. So all that’s left to do is sit here and complain in a mad daze… Because there’s no carpet either…

Isaac Bonewits passed away this morning at the age of 60, after losing the battle with a rare form of colon cancer that he was diagnosed with last autumn. To those who do not know, I’m talking about likely one of the greatest and certainly one of the most influential Neopagan scholars, though perhaps a more appropriate term would be modern Pagan scholars, as he was involved with what he called Mesopaganism as well. And that term is just one of his many contributions, as we are talking about the man who, among many other things, coined a large part of the terminology used by modern Pagans. His own description of himself was: “I am an author, teacher, speaker, singer, songwriter, curmudgeon, and all-around trouble-maker. I am not, however, a “spiritual leader,” thank you very much, as I have feet of clay going up to just under my shoulders.”
There’s little point in looking up details and posting them here, so those interested in learning a little more should check out the obituary posted on the blog he and his wife Phaedra maintained and the tribute that the obituary posted on The Witches’ Voice linked to. Those interested in learning a lot more should go through his works directly.

His was one of the first names I came into contact with when my interest, first in Wicca and then in Neopaganism as a whole, was rekindled towards the end of 2004. I appreciated the articles written by him that I read during that time, and most of those read afterwards as well, but appreciated his attitude even more. There may and certainly will be some disagreements, perhaps even some slightly suspicious activities, but his contribution, and the way in which he chose to make it, cannot be forgotten.
My only actual contact with him that I remember was when he was wondering why wasn’t an image aligning properly in a blog post and I checked the code and answered, which resulted in a little confused exchange because the faulty code wasn’t put in by him, but automatically added by WordPress, so at first he didn’t understand what I was talking about and I didn’t understand what he wasn’t understanding. But otherwise I did read his blog for a while, until last summer, and poked around some of his other projects as well, including the short-lived Real Magic School, from which I saved the first part of as many courses as I could access without paying anything and then just left them there in a folder ever since…

Having stopped reading his blog last summer, when he started writing far less often and mentioned thinking about abandoning it entirely due to the lack of comments, I was completely unaware of his problems and therefore was quite shocked yesterday, when I saw an article basically saying that he was taken out of the hospital to die at home, in accordance with his wishes. So I rushed to look through the available information, both on the blog and on their Facebook page, and then just waited for the inevitable…
It was really depressing to go through the blog posts and Facebook updates, to see how he tried to keep a brave face and stick to his usual attitude early on, but then notice that the blog was completely abandoned in February. In his last major update, he said: “That’s how modern cancer therapy works. The idea/hope is that all the cancer will die before the rest of me does.” Unfortunately, while the cancer seemed to be losing the battle against the treatment, the rest of him was losing it even faster, as you can make out from Phaedra’s Facebook posts that he started having more and more problems making it through the treatment after that point, ultimately a very honest discussion with the doctors being mentioned in May, during which they were told that medicine can’t do anything if he can’t tolerate the treatment required to cure him and that a miracle would be required past that point. It was sad to see her last moment of determination, calling to everyone to help prove that such miracles do happen and that reaching the limits of modern medicine doesn’t mean reaching the limits of what can be done, and then see the posts express more and more desperation and eventually depression hidden under a veil of resignation.

Such things do make you seriously question the existence of anything besides the physical world we see around us, because if this happened to a man with his knowledge and benefiting from the kind of support he had from so many others in similar positions… Admittedly, his condition was discovered late and at the time he was suffering from at least three other problems as well, one of which had to be solved before the doctors could even start working on the cancer and the other two causing complications for the duration of the treatment, plus that the affected area was one where surgery is usually only a last resort, so it didn’t look good from a medical point of view, but if someone like him couldn’t make the miracle the doctors said he needed happen, or in fact simply that someone like him ended up needing such a miracle, it seems quite unlikely that such things can actually happen at all.
Then again, I quite readily admit that at least a part of the reason I believe in something higher than the physical world is because I need to. More exactly, a part of it is due to searching for explanations that science is yet to provide, but another is due to searching for explanations that are less frightening and disheartening than those already provided. A part is searching for a purpose that seems to make sense, but another is the need to find some sort of purpose somewhere else when, under the current circumstances, there is none to be found here, or at least no good, worthy or in any way acceptable one. So I’m searching for something that seems to make sense to believe in, but do it because I choose to believe there is something more out there, because thinking otherwise would put me in an even worse position than I currently am in. Perhaps there would be more understanding among those of different faiths if more would admit to that… But there would probably be more sadness and far less hope as well, as becoming more aware of these motivations and also of the fact that reality contradicts the existence of the good things I try to believe in more and more is why my spirit rating plummeted from 5.8 to 2.9 in three years, as this part of my life is turning from a source of comfort and hope to quite the opposite the more I think about it…

Apparently that virus scan wasn’t so pointless after all, because it discovered something. Five things to be exact. And no, the two likely false positives it kept finding in recent months in a kit I’ve been keeping around for years are not included, because it finally decided to stop saying those are viruses. Two were just tracking cookies, which aren’t that uncommon, so that left three finds which apparently really were a trojan. Two separate versions of it too. But I’d rather not give its name here, to avoid the risk of pointing to myself as a potential target, in case some code would still be in effect. Those who are really interested could probably identify it from the description anyway.
Did some searches and it turns out that this is a new version, likely having first appeared in spring, of a virus that’s been around since 2003. When I looked it up on the BitDefender site, the threat level was listed as medium, but that was a generic page for any version of the virus. The sites that mentioned the new variants listed the treat level as critical, as it can supposedly download any file and execute any code by exploiting a Java vulnerability. And, while the original vulnerability has been patched many years ago, newer versions have found other methods, as some information I found on the Microsoft site listed it as affecting Java Runtime Environment 6.0 Update 10 and earlier.
Still, even that’s a pretty old version, as I had Update 20 since April and originally installed Update 16 back in October, after the failed HDD was replaced, as that was the current version at the time. Now I checked again and saw there has been one more update since then, so took the opportunity to install that as well. But, of course, I don’t know exactly which version was the Microsoft site referring to, as I found other information that said even Update 3 would protect you from it, so it obviously advances along with the environment it exploits, meaning that I’m very uncertain that I was in any way protected from its effects…

While over the years there have been a few things downloaded through file-sharing and several other trojans that I stumbled upon on various sites, all have been immediately flagged and blocked by BitDefender, so there hasn’t been a potentially active virus on my computer since I got CIH from a pirated copy of StarCraft: Brood War, way back then. All right, so that wasn’t just potentially active, but actually very active and I luckily noticed that something strange was going on and managed to get rid of it just before the date on which it was supposed to do the most damage. Either way, getting another after all this time makes me feel very inadequate, as if it actually managed to do anything it’d mean over ten years of “invincibility” coming to an end.
But I’m wondering where did I get it from and how come BitDefender didn’t block it from being downloaded in the first place, as I keep it with some pretty strict settings, including having it scan HTTP traffic, which is supposed to make it block infected sites and prevent malicious code from even being accessed by the browser in the first place, which is exactly what it’s been doing for the other potential trojans I happened to stumble upon in recent years. Some of the sites I checked listed it as being spread through casual games available on a certain popular social networking site, though the site wasn’t named, and I did play something with Susana on Facebook three weeks ago, just one day after the previous virus scan, plus that I looked through a few other games that night, which included at least one that took me to another site and at least two that used Java, one of them triggering my “potential threat sense” at the time. But by far the most likely source seems to be XTube, which you’ll have to excuse me for not linking to under these circumstances, as I’ve been poking around there again recently and I know for a fact that the site was infected with something at least at some point these days, because I got a message asking me to run or save an obvious trojan when I tried to enter one day. That made me raise an eyebrow towards BitDefender, as it didn’t block it, but eventually just hit cancel, closed the browser and didn’t try again for the next couple of days.
Now I’m pretty pissed that I had BitDefender delete the files in question before thinking to check them out and see where they had been downloaded from, or at least when. That would have answered the above question very easily and would have helped in the future, though it wouldn’t have done anything about my fears regarding any potential damage already done… But if anyone received any suspicious links apparently from me recently, do let me know, because I read that the virus tends to spread itself like that.

So now, especially after linking this to the unusual behavior noticed Saturday night, I’m extremely concerned about my computer and feeling extremely inadequate in pretty much every aspect. Which obviously brought about another crash, which isn’t helped at all by my other current and constant worries, the feeling that nearly everyone I know is in on a conspiracy against me because most have stopped talking to me recently, knowing that something’s still obviously wrong with me physically and not sleeping well at all even before all of this. For that matter, I woke up and started writing this after roughly two and a half hours of sleep…
And the heat’s no help either. I don’t usually notice that it’s hot until it gets to a reported temperature of 32°C, don’t have to particularly do anything to manage reported temperatures of up to 35°C and, with some care, usually managed up to 40°C quite well, but two weeks of reported temperatures of at least 33°C are starting to take their toll, especially considering the health concerns as well. I likely wouldn’t even notice a couple of days like this, but being just a little bit uncomfortable for yet another reason day after day tends to add up and eventually take its toll. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, as the forecast lists an average of 35°C for the next five days and usually still 32°C or over for all of next week as well.

Oh, and for some reason I thought to check again and found that apparently Elena G. took me off ignore on Facebook, because I could see the profile pictures at least… And one of those pictures, posted at the end of 2009, may explain why she’s been ignoring me, as it’s of her holding a baby. Now it may not be hers, and Ami was of the opinion that parents who hold their newborns don’t look like that, though she admitted to being far from the best judge when it comes to that, but it does point out a major difference of opinion when it comes to that crucial issue. So I may need to add another person to the list of those lost because of that, after Sarah and potentially also Liz. And, who knows, this may have something to do with why Jen’s been ignoring me as well, especially since I sent the angry messages I wrote after finding out that two Nightwish members were having even more children to her as well, plus a bitter comment regarding her mention of a loud three year old during her trip to Turkey, and in fact those are the only things I can think of that could have pissed her off after she came back from said trip, as I really don’t think I pressed her much about the reasons for her trip to London, no matter how much it worried me, and otherwise I only sent a few links…
Of course, all of this only serves to worsen my fears regarding Andra potentially having or adopting children, as that’s my constant main concern, being the only thing I’ll never tolerate from anyone, including her, under any circumstances, meaning it’s the only thing that would make even fake hope impossible and truly leave me with nothing at all to potentially look forward to. That’d sure be a case of already being hurt even worse but not being aware of it yet…

Due to some unusual behavior noticed Saturday night (or Sunday morning, since it was about 5:30 AM), I decided to pull forward this month’s “computer maintenance” a little. So I ran chkdsk on two partitions on Sunday and was planning to back up and check the other two partitions yesterday, finishing up with a virus scan last night. However, the planned back up involved more than the usual instance of backing up important files on the USB stick bought just for this purpose, as I meant to finally get around to what last October I was thinking to do every two or three months and never did so far, namely putting in the old 160 Gb HDD and copying everything else, such as music and software kits, on it.
That didn’t quite go as planned, as yesterday I took to writing a little and then fooling with some numbers for a project of mine, plus playing Baldur’s Gate some more, as I finally bit the bullet and started it about a week ago, after finishing Anachronox. So I only took a break for the usual back up, putting off the other one for today. However, that break ended up being much longer and more troublesome than expected.

At first it seemed to be going well enough, as in there appeared to be no errors or problems while I copied the files, but that proved to be a wrong impression as soon as I ran chkdsk on the stick, after I finished backing up. Plenty of files were reported as having incorrect sizes and lost fragments, appearing as if some of the data I had just copied overwrote sectors occupied by existing files, obviously causing those files to be lost. And said files unfortunately included an older project of mine, abandoned a long time ago but kept around for reference in case I’ll ever try something similar again, which I had deleted from the HDD, leaving only on the stick…
Since there was little to do about that lost file and it wasn’t particularly important anyway, I shrugged it off and reformatted the stick, which took way longer than expected. Then I ran chkdsk again and had to wait for a long time, as it kept freezing for minutes on end. It didn’t even appear to finish properly, as it listed “an unexpected error” when it was at 99%. However, it didn’t mark any bad sectors, so I was somewhat confused. The signs of failure were obvious, but I couldn’t figure out what kind of failure.
Meant to try copying the files again, to see what’d happen, but discovered that I could no longer access the drive. Not only that, but trying to do so would cause the system to hang. Even clicking to “safely remove” it resulted in the same behavior, so I rebooted… Which required yanking the stick out, because the system seemed determined to get to the bottom of it as well and wouldn’t reboot until I did so.
But then I decided to try something else. Since there are two front USB ports, I simply put the stick into the other one after the restart, to see if the problem wasn’t somehow caused by the port instead of the stick. Interestingly, everything worked just fine after that, as I could access it, copy everything again and then run chkdsk with no problems. So apparently it was the USB port after all? That’s probably even more worrying, though somewhat less surprising, since the front ports are the case’s and that only had one year of warranty, which expired in May of last year…

Either way, those issues did finally provide the kick in the butt needed to actually get around to the other kind of back up today, which also meant I cleaned some dust out of the computer and checked the cables one more time. That’s because I heard something a few times this summer that sounded like a fan was rubbing against a cable, so I kept meaning to check that out and hadn’t until now. Didn’t find any potential cause for that noise, but it does seem quieter now, most likely because the fans no longer need to spin as fast in order to get the same amount of airflow, with the dust gone for the moment.
On the other hand, it also provided the kick in the butt required to get me to write a couple of little scripts to automate the back up process. You see, one of the four partitions was specifically set aside as a “safe”, with cluster size set to only 512 bytes and otherwise unused. The original plan was to keep a current copy of all important files on that partition and then also copy that version to the stick once per month, but I never did that until yesterday, when I gathered everything there before copying it all again on the stick. So today I took that one step further and created a batch file that, using robocopy /MIR, automatically updates that current copy of all important files on the “safe” partition and set it up to run daily through Task Scheduler. And then I made a second one, which updates those files on the stick and then runs chkdsk on it, so the monthly back up will now just require running that file instead of being a tedious task done by hand.

As usual, it takes problems to get one to make the improvements that had been necessary for a long time already. But I do hope there won’t be any more such problems in the near future. Still worried about the stick, however, so I think I’ll format it again next month, to see what happens before copying everything back. And if that doesn’t reveal any more problems then I guess I’ll have to see what’s up with that USB port…
But now you’ll have to excuse me while I get back to Baldur’s Gate, and likely also to my little project later. Then, assuming I won’t forget, I’ll need to run the virus scan tonight and check the system partition at some point as well, as that’s the only one left, because I forgot to schedule the check to run before removing the old HDD again…

Many are concerned about the aging population, by which they mean an increase in the average age of the people who are currently alive. Many of those who share that concern claim that the cause is the lower number of births. I say the problem is that old age is drawn out for far too long. Which brings me to the current topic, which is how people of various age groups should be viewed when it comes to providing health care and what are the expected, acceptable and completely unacceptable levels of unhealthiness among them. In the end, it boils down to how long should an average person currently live and how healthy would it be normal for them to be during their lifespan.
For that purpose, I’ll be using several age ranges: Under three years old, three to ten years old, ten to 50, 50 to 65, 65 to 80, 80 to 100 and over 100 years old. Most of these are likely common, with the exception of ten to 50, which is usually split in four or so. I’m taking it as a single range because I say it makes up a person’s meaningful lifespan and nearly everything significant should happen during that age range for most people. I’m also taking it as a single range because I’m trying to say that a person who just turned ten that day and one who is only a day short of turning 50 should be treated the same from the point of view of providing health care.

The first order of business is the priority people in each age group should receive when they ask for medical assistance. Since there are seven age ranges, I will simply use seven priority levels, with level one being the highest and level seven being the lowest. The severity of the situation obviously changes things, as a person in critical condition who requires immediate assistance must have priority over anyone who can wait and those whose problems are extremely small or even nonexistent should wait until all those who really require some sort of specialized help are taken care of, but the priority levels are also to be used to determine the order in which people who require immediate assistance are to be taken care of when there are too many of them to handle at once.
Since I firmly believe in eliminating disease as much as possible through genetics, children with an above average risk of health problems obviously shouldn’t be born. However, as some may slip past such filters or some serious illnesses may reveal themselves only after birth, children under three should only have priority level four, which should be enough to support those who are in good health but also enforce the harsh but correct concept that those who can’t survive their first years without specialized help shouldn’t survive at all. Priority level three is for those aged three to ten, who have partially proven that they weren’t born with serious problems but could still be somewhat under observation in that regard.
People aged ten to 50 should have priority level one, as those are the ones really living the meaningful part of their lives and, by making it past ten under my proposed conditions, have likely already proven that they weren’t born with serious problems. Priority level two is for people aged 50 to 65, who are getting somewhat older but otherwise can still have meaningful lives and a significant impact as long as they’re in good health, so everything should be done to take care of them as long as that doesn’t require delays in addressing the needs of those aged ten to 50.
Then comes a significant drop, with those aged 65 to 80 and 80 to 100 receiving priority levels six and seven, respectively, as quite frankly human bodies are supposed to break down by then and simply prolonging old age after the body already fails makes no sense. Those over 100, however, should be on priority level five, because making it to that age despite receiving very little medical attention for decades proves that their bodies and lifestyles are special indeed, so they deserve a certain amount of help if they truly desire to live even longer.

The above implies that people should be expected to be in very good health at least up to the age of 50. Excepting those born with problems, any person who develops an illness that’s not caused by a virus before the age of 50 should be seen as a failure of society as a whole, unless of course it can be proven that the person in question brought the illness upon themselves without being forced to do so, whether directly or due to lack of convenient access to what they needed to do or use in order to prevent the condition. In such a case, society must pay for its mistake and make sure the person’s health is fully restored as quickly as possible and without the process causing additional discomfort.
Certain health problems are to be expected once a person turns 50, but anything major appearing before the age of 65 without the person being clearly to blame for it should still be seen as a failure of society. Past 65, however, I really see it as normal for human bodies to break down and really think medicine should focus on making sure people are in good health up to that point and not on prolonging old age despite problems.

If someday humans will evolve to a point where it will be normal to be in good health up to 80, 100 or more, then I’ll update the numbers accordingly, but now that’s certainly not the case. Until then, developing major health problems past the age of 65 probably means that you have lived long enough already. If advances in stem cell research or other such methods will end up being capable of fully rejuvenating people, they could and should be used in cases where there really is a point in living further, but that is determined mainly by the person’s brain, which I doubt we’ll be able to replace anytime soon like we can currently replace most other organs.
If a person still has a keen mind and makes good use of it, they really desire to live and their health can be fully restored, measures should probably be taken to ensure that their health really will be fully restored and their life prolonged. But if any of those three conditions is no longer true, especially for people over 65, then they really should be offered a dignified way out instead of wasting resources only to prolong suffering…